Great Me! Actual Results for Over the Limit 2012

Over the Limit: The PPV for you miserable Over the Limit drunken jail bait whores. It has been going on for 2 years now and unlike many other WWE PPV's currently available to steal our well stolen money it is not a gimmick PPV. No as it turns out it is over the limit in terms of fucking bullshit. The last 2 events were extremely bad examples of Wrestling Pay Per Views and execution what with dickheads injuring themselves through their own retardation and minute matches followed by 10 minute post match embarrassment. I guess the problem with the PPV is that it doesn't have anything that makes people want to buy it unlike other PPV's which make you say 'Oh Hell in a Cell's!' 'Oh Royal Rumble!' 'Oh actual title defences featuring champions that are never on any other fucking PPV because the company doesn't care and they don't suck off the right people!' 

So you can excuse me for going into this PPV with mountainous piles of doubt that it would actually be worth my well stolen British rich ponce dosh (unless your a WWE fanboy in that case get back to sucking on your dummy's! Phew thought I would make a oral joke did you?) but prepare yourself to inject pepper's into your ass and light a match because Over the Limit was actually not bad. Ok there was some shit to keep your WWE brain comfortable but aside from that the stuff put on was passable. But enough of stalling like some idiot stuntman about to ride down a ramp in a trolley into a strip joint so let's just move on and put on our WWE Critic buckets on.

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Battle Royal for Intercontinental or United States Championship Match

This was made by weak link of Mr Laurinaitis's team Eve during the pre show which actually went down well with the people because they get to see more wrestlers and jobbers actually get a paycheck for once. In something I have never seen before the introduction of the wrestlers took place in the last moments of the pre show (YES I KNOW ABOUT KANE/RYDER SO SHUT UP! I know I just wanted to say that) so the PPV started with the actual action which is a very sneaky incentive to get people to buy the PPV last minute so they can see the continuation. Whether not you suckers fell for that strategy I don't know and don't care but it was actual smart booking at the hands of an idiot. Actually I did watch the Pre Show on Youtube to see the reaction that the participants got because nobody probably knew who the fuck they were so here is the list along with some comments:

• The Great Khali who is as interesting as somebody knocking on the door and then running away
• The Miz who really has fallen far even with an awesome t shirt (Huck Huck saw what I did there?)
• JTG who now looks like a black Tyler Reks with the charisma to match
• Ezekiel Jackson who once again is back doing jack shit with muscles
• Curt Hawkins who is some how still employed
• Tyler Reks who even more surprising is still employed
• Michael McGillicutty who still has that fucking name
• Yoshi Tatsu with his one potential feud squashed last month by Lord 'Yes we know he was Albert stop mentioning' Tensai
• Tyson Kidd who we all love and therefore won't win
• Jimmy and Jey Uso minus their long time killing entrance
• Jinder Mahal who nobody cared about. Racism alert!
• Drew McIntyre who is making an appearance Bravo!
• Heath Slater who again nobody gives a shit about. BRING BACK JIMMY HART!
• Titus O'Neil and Darren Young fresh off of their squash by the tag team champions GO TEAM!
• Alex Riley who people actually reacted well to which WWE probably ignored in order to not waste their energy pushing again
• David Otunga...Fucking Awesome!
• William Regal...Fucking Awesome-er!
• Christian making his return and acting as the cliff hanger that ends the pre show. Oh I see we are pretending Christian is actually a draw!

The fact that the final entrance was Christian should of been a dead give away on the outcome of this match but I guess we're supposed to see if WWE does the obvious! And since there was only about 4 likely winners of this battle royal the best idea would be to enjoy the other 16 while you can before you have to go back to Superstars and NXT to see any more of them. The final 4 were The Miz (Not surprising), David Otunga (Again Not Surprising), Tyson Kidd (Fucking hell!) and Christian (Oh wait I'm back to earth now) and Christian was able to last eliminate the Miz to win the match and made a gesture at the end of the match indicating that he is going to challenge Santino for the US Title later. THANK GOD FOR THAT! I initially thought because somebody needs to take that belt off of that joke but then I was hit with the tits of reality and didn't mind it at all and that little voice in my head that convinces me to pop children's balloons told me 'Zak you should be able to realize that if they make something that obvious then they are probably going to swerve you you idiot'. So thank you voice in my head for preventing me from being surprised!

Winner: Christian

WWE Tag Team Championship: Kofi Kingston & R Truth(c) Vs Jack Swagger & Dolph Ziggler

Wow the tag team title match wasn't the opener but it was the second match so I guess they are making progress. YOU SEE WWE AREN'T RACIST!

NOPE! JUST IGNORE THOSE GUYS! I guess its that time of the year for Kofi Kingston to win a secondary championship in order to appease him and postpone the inevitable 'Can I be in the main event please?' and really he should of been in the main 3 years ago with that feud with Randy Orton but of course like the boy who fucked up (pun intended) his first night with a woman one fuck up from Kofi in one of their matches and he is suffering since.

You could argue that since he ditched the whole Jamaican thing he has lost one of the only things that really make him unique in the eyes of many: Now he is just like every other dread locked, black person who specialises in jumping very high and having a catchphrase that is the sound made by an Atomic Bomb (Oh Wait!). R Truth on the other hand has been demoted due to his own personal idiocy because of drug violations making him believe he is being followed by a little kid. He can see Little Jimmy while we can't because Little Jimmy is what he calls his little...umm you know that is walking around. As for the challengers Jack Swagger is in desperate need of a character change since his current one has been bled dry like a old man taking young peoples blood and Dolph Ziggler is having his period...of 'nothing to do' Jesus christ what did you think I meant. Kofi hits the TIP (another thing that needs to be changed for Kofi) on Ziggler to retain the title. I am not going to pretend that this match wasn't good but now WWE has to worry about competition for the champions since there are only 3 other teams to possibly challenge them with one being a babyface team. But still 5 Tag Team's? WWE must be going bread making mad!

Winner and STILL WWE Tag Team Champions: Kofi Kingston & R Truth


WWE Divas Championship: Layla(c) Vs Beth Phoenix


Aah Layla's like a little English muffin that you get from an erotic cake shop. You can accuse me of favouritism...so go ahead. Layla is an infection of newness that the Divas Division desperately needed since Beth won the belt last year. I know I may be over hyping her boost for the Divas Division because she is just one woman (an extremely sexy British woman) and she doesn't really stand out that much from the other plastic barbie dolls but since Kharma is currently in a state of unknown we need another talented diva in the division. Beth had the belt too long anyway: I know how you will react to that 'Zak you horny bastard how can you possibly say that? Beth's title reign was going well and she shouldn't have lost it in the first place' Well let me bring you down you horny individual trying to cover (or not in this case) your ass by saying that Beth's title reign was an example of the reign of having fuck all happen. Layla was able to hit the neckbreaker from out of nowhere for the win and the retaining of the title. I will admit that this match was good as it had better been considering the whores...I mean the wrestlers involved. But now that a one on one match between the 2 has happened Layla doesn't have much interesting opponents to face leading to the inevitable 'fuck all happening' title reign etc. That is unless Kharma comes back but like I said nobody when's she going to come back which is par for the course in somebody who just suffered what she suffered. Seriously take as long as you need Kharma the divas division is just dying a slow and painful death and we don't have to rush the CPR (God I can just tell somebody is going to take that out of context).
Winner and STILL WWE Divas Champion: Layla


Fatal 4 Way for the World Heavyweight Championship: Sheamus(c) Vs Randy Orton Vs Alberto Del Rio Vs Chris Jericho


And here is the match that WWE had little confidence in to the point of adding 2 other wrestlers enjoy! As I have been saying time and again WWE has been seriously fucking up Sheamus's title reign through no fault but their own brain damage decisions: First they shoot the title reign in the foot before it even began by having Sheamus beat Bryan for the belt in 18 seconds showing the amount of confidence they have in the duo and now they have such little confidence in Sheamus/Del Rio that they add Randy 'Kucfing' Orton and Chris 'Needs to really piss off' Jericho. Well actually this ain't an issue of confidence according to WWE is it? It's just a way of killing a PPV of a title reign without very little effort. So let's judge the 3 challengers based on their future in the title picture: Orton is a a natural figure in the title picture because he is the established guy of Smackdown and has been acting as such since he came over last year: He is the Smackdown version of Cena minus the money...and the merchandise...and the likeability...but plus the adult appeal!...which is never good. Alberto Del Rio has been almost immediately placed back into the title picture after having the first 3 months of this year off after what WWE no doubt considers a failed WWE Championship push. I was anticipating a title match between him and Sheamus since Wrestlemania and his one on one match with him has been postponed because WWE doesn't think they can do good (and as I have been hearing neither do you motherfuckers). As for Chris Jericho...do I even need to cover him because I have been saying how his days are numbered and that this PPV is just an attempt to kill his time before he fucks off back to whatever extra curricular activity he is doing next (Incidentally a friend is going to go see Motherfucking Fozzy and for that I say: Give him a middle finger from me you son of a bitch!). Sheamus retains the title by hitting Jericho with the White Noise which according to Wikipedia is a Over the Shoulder Back to Belly Piledriver. I hate to sound arrogant and obnoxious...ha ha ha knew I couldn't say that with a straight face but I knew Sheamus would pin Jericho to show that Jericho's time is almost up and leave the door open for Orton and Del Rio to challenge Sheamus one on one. Bye Bye Jericho you will be sorely...PISS OFF!
Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion: Sheamus 


Brodus Clay Vs The Miz


What is with Brodus Clay Squashes and PPV's lately? It seems like WWE are obsessed with shoving this funker down our throats and the only thing I like to get shoved down my throat is air...what did you think I would say? Wipe that smile off of your face and put it away. It's not that I have a problem with push's especially if it involves my own personal guilty favourites and my generic favourites but Clay is a novelty act that will never ever be taken seriously as a threat and go beyond squash matches at this funking rate. People aren't going to pay money for the reason of 'Brodus Clay might squash somebody'...unless they want to like they have a personal vendetta against their own wallets. Clay would lose his novelty act if he dropped the whole Fuckasaurus thing which he as it stands now shouldn't be much longer. I don't get why The Miz is suffering like this: Last I checked he is one of the most company loyal guys on the roster: Seriously he is next to John Cena in terms of promoting the company outside of it and that is pretty admirable. He didn't exactly cripple the company when he was WWE Champion ratings wise and he probably is among the top merchandise sellers on the shop. Whatever he just doesn't seem to get pushed any more...I guess WWE's retard instincts are still going strong. Clay would of course hit the fuckalicious splash for the fuckalicious win even though fuckalicious tastes like shit and we get forced feed the shit every single PPV. Seriously WWE stop putting these funking squash matches on PPV when we could have easily watched the exact same match for free on TV. Don't take our money and run off with it...although it is a good idea.
Winner: Brodus Clay


Intercontinental Championship: Cody Rhodes(c) Vs Christian


OH WELL! Guess the little voice was right! Thanks for ruining the surprise you little shit. I guess WWE got tired of Christian continuously saying 'One More Match' and decided to put him back in the mid card where he belongs in order to utilise his skills. Let us have a little storybook time: Once Upon a Time on WWE's ECW (Redundant much?) Christian had the longest reign as ECW Champion in WWE's brand. And what did he use that 200+ Reign doing? Aside from winning he made people look better then they were and had a variety of opponents to face: Jack Swagger, Tommy Dreamer, Vladimir Kozlov, William Regal, Zack Ryder, Yoshi Tatsu, Shelton Benjamin and of course the man he lost it to...Season Finale's I mean Ezekiel Jackson. WWE could easily do this with this IC Championship reign but I wouldn't be to surprised if Christian only held the title for 2 months. Cody Rhodes's push into the main event scene was for some reason postponed for another month with this latest title reign...god knows why maybe WWE temporarily lost confidence in Rhodes and now they have regained it...whatever let us not think of the thought process of WWE creative because it would drive us insane. Cody got angry after failing to get the pin after a moonsault which allowed Christian to Engage the Killswitch (See what I did there I feel like Matt Striker now) for the win and the title. Let's be honest with ourselves: Christian's world title reigns only happened because Edge retired. If he hadn't retired then Christian probably would have won the Intercontinental Championship sooner rather then later. I like it because Christian can pretty much take Big Show's intended place that I have been banging on about since Wrestlemania but to a better effect because as a worker Christian has a lot more diversity as in he can wrestle people without clear superiority over the opponent giving a slight degree that said opponents actually stand a chance unlike getting squashed like a pancake and being called Kelli Carpenter. But let me call out you IWC tossers...I bet you have absolutely no problem with Christian winning the title did you? Unlike with the Big Show where you said that he should of put Cody over none of you motherfucking self proclaimed intelligent individuals would be saying that about Christian. Ha! Called it!
Winner and NEW Intercontinental Champion: Christian


WWE Championship: CM Punk(c) Vs Daniel Bryan


And here is the match that the IWC wankers that is YOU! have been waiting for for about 3 weeks! WWE is clearly thanking the fans in this case which is a bloody stupid idea. Yes I am saying that WWE shouldn't pay attention to what the fans ask for and before you rush off to humiliate yourself in a rather vain and pointless attempt to prove me wrong why don't you tie yourself to your seat and hold your eyes open with masking tape while I explain why you short attention span little shit. You see you idiots cheer for the stupidest things: Induct some guy who was world champion in 2004 and died in 2007? Yeah sure WWE should do that if they wanted to quickly become the most hated entity on the planet. Turn John Cena Heel and have him lose his immediate appeal and money making potential just so he can stopped getting booed by you idiots? Ok if they wanted to make Cena bland. You see wrestling companies tend to do pretty well when they rest on their own ideas and not let people get to them. And when they do listen to you how much appreciation do you show them? Correct somewhere between Bugger and All. No instead you move on to the next thing you want WWE to do instead of learning to make the most of what you have been given and being appreciative. And before you try and defend yourself...DON'T! Punk has been champion since November and despite my thoughts about him which at this point should be as well out there as Katie Price's legs with anything with fingers I am really glad he has held the title for this long. This is definately the best world title reign he has had since he arrived in WWE but that's like saying that toilet paper with flowers on it is better then any others that don't have flowers on it. He definately should keep it for a little bit longer mainly because there are no other people that can plausibly win the title unless you idiots let your voices be heard for the 100,000th fucking time. I think its clear that Daniel Bryan emerged from Wrestlemania in a better position then Sheamus despite the shit booking surrounding it and it is pretty sad and pathetic that the challenger ended up better off then the champion and the guy we are supposed to be rooting for but most WWE fans are kids and nerds like you so what the fuck?
In this predictably good match (which will no doubt serve as your Saturday night wanking material) Punk was able to roll up Bryan while in the Yes Lock and got the pin however the replay showed that Punk tapped out a split second before the 3 count. I liked the finish, it reminded me of some guy and Edge back in 2004 and it leaves the door open to a rematch so look to next month's ppv for Punk Vs Bryan II: The wanking of the christ!
Winner and STILL WWE Championship: CM Punk


The Ryback 3000 Vs CamachO


...OH! SON OF A BITCH! You didn't even pay attention to what I said during the Clay/Miz match did you WWE you asshole? Thanks to WWE constantly putting it in squash matches I don't have anything new to tell you about The Ryback 3000. Don't fret when I eventually release my autobiography 'Nothing to know by Zak Fellows' I will reveal the full story of the robot because it gives me enough time to get with the 'female' cyborgs and learn more info. If I am not mistaken this is the first singles match that CamachO has had and so I had to rate the debut. And the result a resounding meh! The machine easily won the match of course further proving that he needs to be taken off of the Full Capability Win mainframe and let out into the wild. Let's just hope he doesn't end up like The Goldberg 1000 (Efficient but dangerous) or The Batista 2000 (Self Aware and a loose cannon)
Winner: The Ryback 3000


John Cena Vs Mr John Laurinaitis


Time for Mr Laurinaitis to cement himself as the god that he is in the WWE. Seriously he is like Apollo and Zeus combined! In all seriousness though I don't know why Mr Laurinaitis decided to get his hands dirty by fighting Cena and didn't just send one of the many, many, MANY loyal soldiers at his beck and call. Hell if he asked me to I would go fight Cena himself for his honour...yeah I would get my ass kicked but at least my loyalties would become obvious. In all seriousness though (for real this time) I don't see why Lord Tensai didn't fight Cena at this PPV because as hard as WWE have been trying to get Tensai over it isn't working even with a win over Cena and (technically) CM Punk. I don't see how we could have constant Fuckasaurus and Ryback 3000 squash matches on PPV when we could easily put Lord Tensai Squash Matches on PPV especially since both the frequent squash match winners are babyfaces (Of course that depends on if you actually like them). John Cena is going through the same phase as Randy Orton just went through. However rather then face uprising stars he is facing guys that are intended to boost PPV buys as in The Rock, Brock Lesnar and now Mr John Laurinaitis and I am sure many of you will be laughing at the third one but shut up or I will throw a can of deodorant at you. I really think Cena should get a break yeah it would shoot merchandise in the leg but then again it would help in the long run as the return of Cena would sell on PPV as much as you in denial ferrets would like to dismiss that. Mr Laurinaitis attempted to leave the arena because he had a dentist appointment or whatever (he didn't try to run away!) but Big Show (who was fired last monday remember) threw him back into the ring. When Cena went for the AA Show punched him in the face allowing Mr Laurinaitis to pick up the win. LADIES AND GENTLEMAN THIS IS TRUELY A GREAT DAY! WELCOME TO THE TEAM BIG SHOW! HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR 6 DAY VACATION!
Winner: Mr Laurinaitis of course you idiot


Overall Over the Limit (but not really) was a good show. There was definately some shit but there is enough to make you feel like you didn't waste your money. But your a member of the IWC and probably watched it illegally on streaming channel you pirate! Argh you be a pirate! A Bad one at that me see!
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[Zak Fellows condones piracy...just not every kind]


No you aren't a pirate because pirates are awesome and you decidedly are not 

Great Me! Actual Results for Sacrifice 2012

...WHAT? I'm beautiful. In fact I'm more then just beautiful I am freaking gorgeous! And what better way to help you ugly motherfuckers to get over your ugliness then to wear a paper bag with my gorgeous mug on it so you will be able to live at least a second of your 'extremely important lives' (Ha Ha's if) knowing that you are remotely attractive and appealing to the opposite sex. And why is Velvet holding the bag in front of her...ahem...front door so to speak you may be wondering? Easy because she considers me so attractive that I can only really be used as a censor bar because women trust my mug enough to act as such.

Anyway huge self congratulatory done until the next time. TNA has surprised alot of people so far this year by not only pushing the right people, putting on decent PPV's, Bringing out excellent merchandise and giving me the lovely being that I now have to censor (Nothing wrong with that as long as the rewards good eh Talia?) but also by putting on great PPV's. While it initially suffered at Genesis, it then hit its stride with both Against All Odds and Victory Road (which has been a long time shit magnet for TNA) being really good and last month they unfortunately failed to put on a great show with Lockdown. Let's get one thing clear before all you TNA nuts rush to humiliate yourself and fill up my inbox: Lockdown was by no stretch of the imagination bad what it was was disappointing. So with the gap between Lockdown and Slammiversary you can be forgiven for assuming that Sacrifice 2012 wouldn't be good because it serves as the middle man to the 2 big PPV's in TNA's calendar...well I ain't gonna forgive you because why the fuck should I? However hold on to your seats and touch your sensitive areas while moaning (OH SHIT MOST OF MY READERS ARE MEN! DON'T DO IT!) because Sacrifice was quite good!

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Sacrifice may be the middle show to bridge the gap between Lockdown and the big anniversary show for TNA but if that is the case then it is a fucking good middle man because I personally enjoyed the show and so did a lot of other people. I would go as far to say that it easily clinched the title of Best PPV of May but then I would get yelled at by WWE fanatics and UFC thugs so I would like to politely tell them to Piss off back to whatever the hell they jerk off to and you actual intelligent (and hopefully) sexy fans can stay here and lend me your ears to an appropriate distance so I can't cut them off.

TNA Tag Team Championship: Samoa Joe & Magnus(c) Vs Christopher Daniels & Kazarian

Now the Motor City Machine Guns losing at Lockdown to Joe and Magnus makes a lot more sense then it already made. Put it this way: What would you rather have? Daniels/Kaz Vs The Guns or Joe/Magnus Vs The Guns? I know alot of you would probably say the first one because of the styles of all 4 wrestlers being very similiar or pretty much the same. As much as I am a philosopher for the whole opposite's attract deal except for Beauty and the Beast (Yes I don't agree with Reby Sky and Matt Hardy because I don't think a Drug Addict can keep a relationship with a non drug ad...oh wait) lets remember that in wrestling if your opponent wrestle's similiar to you then you are going to be more comfortable doing the match because you know that you and your opponent have similiar mind sets (unless of course you are Juventud Guerrera who's mind set is normally a case of 'Try to top this asshole'). Daniels and Kazarian don't really need the tag titles because its not like they will raise the stakes of their feud with AJ Styles (which I'll get to later so stop asking me about it!) but that doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do because them being Champions opens up more opportunities and with Destination X probably being another X Division focused PPV,not confirmed but shut up I'm trying to make a point, then it means that with an influx of X Division themed wrestlers/tag teams then Kaniels would have more opponents. The champions were able to hit the Snap mare Elbow Drop Combo but the pin was broken up by Kazarian and the challengers hit a High-Low Move on Magnus for the win and the tag titles. I hope Magnus and Joe split up as a team now despite the surprising success of their duo because now that Magnus has been elevated he can bring back Douglas Williams, who really needs his momentum going again after a brilliant 2010, and The British Invasion can come back. As for Joe...Umm...uh...MOVING ON!

Winner and NEW TNA Tag Team Champions: Christopher Daniels & Kazarian

TNA Knockouts Championship: Gail Kim(c) Vs Brooke Tessmacher 

Gail Kim to my understanding now should only be a couple more days away from beating Madison Rayne's record as Longest Reigning Knockouts Champion. Why has she held onto the title so long you may be asking? Well because TNA really does not know what to do with her and her reign which despite containing good matches has been fairly uninteresting. I would rather have a long reign of great interest (John Cena's WWE Title Reign in 2007 for a second reason of pissing off you) then a long reign of just having fuck all happen (Chavo Guerrero Cruiserweight Title Reign in 2007). I suspect that we are building to Kim losing the title at Slammiversary but if that doesn't end up being the case then I will seriously start believing that TNA is stumped on ideas (I mean more then usual) before they bring out 'The Big Book of Old Wrestling Clichés'. For all my banging on about Velvet Sky and Alexis Texas being the very definition of sexiness to me by their Stripperiffic outfits, the breasts of Aphrodite belonging to them as the sweat goes down their bodies to their thighs as they bend over to show their almost goddess like...sorry I forgot where I was going with this and I think I may have gotten to excited. OH WAIT! Tessmacher having a move called the asstastic ,which may have to forfeit her right as a serious competitor, makes me like her because I would ask it to be used on me by...ok ok moving on. Seriously though Tessmacher definately has improved thanks to tagging with Tara which is similiar to how The Miz improved by tagging with John Morrison and she definately doesn't lack in the looks department but she shouldn't be Knockouts Champion because I don't think she would be able to carry the weight of the division unless the weight was on her ass (BURN!). Brooke managed to reverse the Eat Defeat attempt but Kim took down Brooke and used the ropes for leverage. With this event coupled with Lockdown you can tell from a storyline stand point Kim is becoming more and more desperate trying to retain her title when originally she could win with skill alone which will definately come to a head when she loses the title...or comes to an ass! (Ha Ha Ha Butt Humour)

Winner and STILL TNA Knockouts Champion: Gail Kim

TNA Television Championship: Devon(c) Vs Robbie E Vs Robbie T

Uh...when will this fucking feud end? We get it Robbie E is based on a TV Show that is inexplicably popular enough to warrant a college course cause Why learn about the significant impact of World War 2 and the post trauma of veterans when you can spend your education learning how pricks and prickettes ruin TV?. THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT HE SHOULD BE A CHAMPION OF TV because that imply's Jersey Shore is actually good. Since Lockdown Hulk Hogan (The general Manager) has made it a rule for Devon to defend his title every single week which if it didn't work with AJ Styles in 2010 then why would it work now? Which is a shame because the concept is actually a good one because it would give the holder of the title a decent amount of time and exposure. However the idea of defending the title every week on TV would require a new opponent every single week and eventually you are gonna run out of people to face the champion which means Title Changes would have to be really frequent. What I'm getting at is that there is no way to help the TV Title and it should be killed...yes I am being blunt! After some miscommunication from the 2 Robbie's (Shocking as Water I know) Devon took advantage and rolled up Robbie T for the win. But in a huge swerve the 2 Robbie's made up after the match. I was surprised as you are because we were all expecting one of the Robbie's to turn against the other. So congratulations TNA for a genuine surprise...just a shame it had to be with that fucking red belt!

Winner and STILL TNA Television Champion: Devon

Jeff Hardy Vs Mr Anderson

The fact that I consider Devon and Robbie E a drawn out feud may come as a surprise to those who can't get enough of them and cancerous tans (Coincidently if you do have a tan I would like you to leave and don't touch the door handle) but the drawn out nature of the Television Championship feud is small time compared to Anderson/Hardy's matches. I did a count of matches that have involved Mr Anderson and Jeff Hardy either as opponents or team mates since 2010 and I came to the number of about 7 in 3 fucking years?! It would have been fine if their series was a beacon of excellence and able to cause spontaneous orgasm's when they lock up and according to my own Yoo Hoo that isn't the case maybe because I am not turned on by hair that looks like a rainbow threw up on it (An Unwashed Rainbow at that) and an asshole. Does it strike anybody as a bit of a lack of innovation when they just keep going back to this feud remembering that their first TNA PPV against each other was this same one 2 years ago? I guess TNA just feels like they can always go back to this one. Because this match has title implications it will really determine who is the most viable contender in the eyes of the fans: Jeff Hardy is always going to be a contender...I'll pause for a moment so you can rage about it. Mr Anderson on the otherhand has been an on-off contender especially since he lost the title to Sting back in August which you can credit to him having something else to do aside from challenging for the title over and over again AND he has been an on-off  Face/Heel which makes consistency difficult. Anderson reversed a Double Leg drop into a pinning combination for the win even when Hardy clearly kicked out. Ok so TNA cocked up that match but I don't really have a problem with it, I mean I like Anderson more then I do Jeff Hardy even if I did just invest money into his Artwork T Shirts. I figure that Anderson will be the next opponent for Bobby Roode since Roode has already taken care of Hardy twice. I think we know who the real asshole here is anyway right?

Winner: Mr Anderson

Crimson Vs Eric Young

Ok forgive my probable ignorance in this situation...or don't demonstrate how much of a tosser you really are because I thought it was Crimson Vs Matt Morgan. Out of curiosity as to why Morgan wasn't on the PPV I looked on the internet ("Oh Zak is going on the internet to look up wrestling news he has clearly become the very thing that he says he hates" said Pillock) and found out that TNA has run out of dates for him to work. I hope TNA keeps Morgan because he is somebody that they can claim as one of their own despite having never won the world title and I would hate for him to go back to WWE and commit career suicide...again. As for Crimson he should now be aiming to return to the world title picture even though I feel like he should of won the Bound For Glory Series last year but its better for him to be a contender again when there is a babyface champion because it would fuck up the whole concept of kayfabe thank you very much Attitude and CMotherfucking Punk. How can Crimson be a heel anyway? Oh wait a minute ginger hair...OH I SEE All ginger's are huge , heavily tattooed, egotistical, hated athlete's TNA? What with Eric Young being involved you can practically have the words 'Crapper Break' stamped all over this match and in fact that's what I went to go do...also I felt ill because ODB was involved and I was still a little surprised that she hadn't managed to swallow and trap Eric in her bear engulfing vagina yet. Yes I am fully aware that I am making seem less attractive but if I say one nice thing about her she will get the wrong idea and BOOM! Trapped in vagina it is. Crimson in typical Heat generating fashion shoved ODB, not breaking his hands on her boulder breasts I might add, and when Eric went to go check on his future prison cell Crimson hit the Red Sky as in 'BLOOD IS FALLING FROM THE SKY!'. Not much to say about this so let's say nothing else about it and move on...except let's pay respect to Gordon Dums'hit the latest victim of the ODB Vaginal Prison.

Winner: Crimson

X Division Champion Austin Aries Vs Bully Ray

If there is one thing that can be given extreme praise to TNA for (Unless your one of those idiots that watch TNA videos on Youtube just to press Dislike, say how much it sucks and WWE is better and then run off to go masturbate to your siblings in the shower)  is their handling of Austin Aries since he returned last year. Unlike the previous time they had Aries during that whole Austin Starr business TNA realised 'He's great as he is we don't change anything' and then when they saw Vince Russo approach the Austin Aries booking files they said 'NOOO STAY AWAY STAY AWAY STAY AWAY!' Aries has been such a hit in the company that he already has the longest reign as X Division Champion and has done what very few X Division wrestler's have done and that is move up the card at the same time which was the case with both last month at Lockdown and this match with Bully Ray. I was watching No Surrender 2011 a couple of days ago and one of the most hated men was Ray because of his unbelievable stalling during both of his matches which, while still giving you the feeling of 'get in the ring already you fat fuck' but also shows how he can easily garner heat. Which obviously means people will pay to see the Bully get his comeuppance which again was the case with this PPV while at the same time opens the door for the next storyline. During the match Joseph Parks distracted Ray allowing Aries to hit the Brian Buster and then get the submission win via the last chancery. So I guess it will be Bully Ray Vs Abyss at Slammiversary in Monster's Ball? Try and bet against me and I guarantee that you will leave with your wallet looking significantly tidy. Meanwhile Austin Aries...Umm actually I don't know what he could do aside from defend the X Division Title so let's just say he will be in an ultimate x match which is the perfect way to celebrate the anniversary show of TNA next month...along with an extra viewing of bullshit.

Winner: X Division Champion Austin Aries

AJ Styles Vs Kurt Angle

What? Another match that features 2 people facing each other with a prominent history that goes back several years? Umm shouldn't they be saving this for next month or something? Styles and Angle have history that goes back to fucking 2007 including being allies and enemies. Not that people have a problem with that obviously because these 2 have chemistry like a pair of natural tits and have constantly put on good matches including the January 4th 2010 match that people credit with helping TNA compete against WWE in the short lived Monday Night War. Recently it was revealed that Kazarian and Christopher Daniels blackmail material was photo's of AJ having an affair with Dixie Carter as the explanation of why he has been the heart of TNA. I am very tempted to chant 'YOU ARE MARRIED' but it would mean doing something that other wrestling fans do and I am not going to chant something that you chanted 2 years ago. Now that the reasoning behind the feud has been revealed it just leaves Slammiversary to wrap it all up until Daniels and AJ decide to feud again for the lulz's. Predictably as the fucking rain coming in England the new tag champions came out and tripped AJ up and Kurt hit the Angle Slam and then the Ankle Lock for the win. But as Daniels and Kazarian went to attack Styles after the match Kurt came to the rescue and hugged AJ after the match. So it will be a tag match at Slammiversary and Kurt is a face once again and the only reason he turned back to being a heel last year was so Roode could face a Heel Champion at Bound for Glory. So in a way the last couple of months of Kurt Angle's career was a waste of time...yes lets go with that. FUCK THE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS OF KURT ANGLE'S CAREER!

Winner: Kurt Angle

TNA World Heavyweight Championship Ladder Match: Bobby Roode(c) Vs Rob Van Dam

And now it is time for Rob Van Dam to get his one title match of the year before returning to be an ECW nostalgia act. It's not as if I have a problem with RVD apart from him being a massive pothead who will gladly smoke away our liking and demanding of him to be pushed. It's just he is such an old name in TNA still wrestling that it's difficult not to hate him in comparison to younger wrestlers that should be in his spot. If only TNA could make the same mistake of using up Rob's dates and then conveniently forgetting to resign his contract and he could fuck up to the next ECW/Hardcore Reunion show that Tommy Dreamer is more then happy to masturbate to while Paul Heyman looks on saying 'What the fuck have I created?' Since winning last month at Lockdown in a match that many people (including my great sexy self) thought he would lose Bobby Roode has reached a point where we expect him to lose the title any day now due to the amount of time he has held the title which has almost beaten AJ Styles record for Longest Reign and the amount of opponents he has faced as champion. So Rob Van Dam challenging Roode this month is more of 'opponent of the month' rather then an attempt to start a brand new feud and is just a way of killing time until Slammiversary you may think and get ready for the world to explode and very woman you have ever known to have a collective yawn because you are right you boring individual. Roode was able to knock RVD off of the ladder and he landed head first on the top of another ladder allowing Roode to grab the title in one of his few legit title defences. Call me a cynic but if you don't then you clearly don't know me particularly well but this title match just screamed not important. There was never any doubt in my mind that Roode was going to retain the title and the fact that he beat Rob Van Dam cleanly means that a rematch isn't even necessary and the fact that RVD is the only person (Besides Sting but the title wasn't on the line) that Roode has beaten cleanly on PPV shows what TNA thinks of him. RVD is done! He has now reason or incentive to be in TNA apart from cash that he needs to pay off his dealers.

Winner and STILL TNA World Heavyweight Champion: Bobby Roode

Ultimately Sacrifice was another Thumbs Up PPV for TNA because despite what I perceive to be a lot of last minute changes they still delivered really well for a middle show between 2 big TNA PPV's. I suggest you go check this PPV out if you can afford it along with yours strippers and the sexual assault charges. You may think I am joking about that but let's face it an ugly motherfucker like you probably did get involved in that for some form of contact...monetary fuelled or not

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[Zak Fellows has only recently being diagnosed with narcissism...and is dealing with it quite well]

Well people that hang out on the internet are virgins and you can pay for hookers Online these days

Recap for WWE Smackdown 18/5/12

The reason you should watch this show? Fill in the gap

Well here we are 2 days away from Over the Limit, a ppv named after the state most people are in when driving a vehicle because they are drunken idiots and don't get your high horse because you're a drunken idiot no doubt as well. Not that I can get on my high horse either because although I do not drink and therefore in love with my liver enough to not try and stab it over the last year I have purposely encouraged you morons to drink. Remember those crash's? Yeah they were because of me. Anyway welcome to the final Smackdown before this historically shit PPV when WWE attempts to make us start giving a shit. 

First of Mr Laurinaitis has been had by those fucking board of directors. But he doesn't need stipulations, referee's or other wrestlers to beat John Cena. All he needs is a tactical nuclear missile...or his fists. The good man comes out at the start of the show in a very bad mood and says he has been practically handicapped against Cena...Mr Laurinaitis is humble as you can plainly tell. He then asks that the audience pray for him which of course I was more then happy to since I was already in a kneeling position (NO! NOT LIKE THAT!...PERVERTS!). But guess who ruins Mr Laurinaitis's heart felt message...none other then CM Punk because he likes to turn somebodies misery into his amusement. Punk says that everybody has been praying for the firing of Mr Laurinaitis and that he wishes him the best in his future endeavours (Why do you have to speak for us Punk? Not everybody follows you like a little bitch. Yes I guess I am saying that your a little bitch. Oh by the way the whole endeavoured joke backfired you unfunny jackass). Punk refers to the rightful firing of the Big Show who was begging for his job last monday (I look forward to all 3 days of Big Show being fired) but of course Mr Laurinaitis is not fazed by Punk's attempts to be funny, entertaining and original and so just books him in a match with Kane. Punk however attempts to respond by saying that he is a man and will not back out of the match. Your not a man Punk your a monkey because nerds won't shut the fuck up about you. Mr Laurinaitis then tells the audience to go to hell which is redundant because they are in America (OUCH!)

The same promo from last week on John Cena's Make a wish exploits. Please refer to last week's recap for my full thoughts on it but if your one of those people who don't have time for full details because of all the sex and alcohol you have (And don't lie about it because I'll know) let me sum it up in 6 words: WHAT A GREAT ROLE MODEL SERIOUSLY!

WWE Tag Team Champions Kofi Kingston & R Truth Vs Titus O'Neil & Darren Young

Wow! A Match that features 2 all black tag teams? Never thought we would see that especially in WWE. Too bad the ring announcer and referee aren't black cause then we would have an all black affair and you can tell a black ring announcer by the size of their booty and a black referee because they keep a gun on them at all times. Despite the good push the black non champions team have been given they still haven't engaged people as characters because acting like frat boys saying inexplicable catchphrases isn't going to endear your self with the audience unless you are acting like frat girls throwing yourself at any thing made of meat (And since this is a PG audience they can't even throw themselves at the audience without the police being called). Since Kofi and Truth have only just won the titles they can be forgiven for their reigns not being good or interesting at the moment instead of just dismissing it because the tag team division in WWE being just generally shit. Of course at the start of a reign the company has to find something to occupy the champions time and title reign which not doing so has mainly crippled other title reigns. After Kofi occupies Titus Truth hits the Little Jimmy for the win. I think now would be a good time to say what I would have done in the situation: Kofi and Truth just beat potential future contenders cleanly when I would have Ziggler and Swagger interfere (Because they are the current #1 Contenders you idiot) so Kofi and Truth won't lose cleanly and O'Neil and Young can say that the beat the champions which would set up a title match later. Yes I guess I am saying I can come up with better feuds then WWE Booking which really isn't that big of a boast if you really think about it.

Winner: WWE Tag Team Champions Kofi Kingston & R Truth By Pinfall

A Be a Star video. What is with WWE and good causes lately? I mean sure their hypocrites as far as this one is concerned but the over promotion of these causes will make you think that they are trying to cover their asses. One thing I noticed: Most of the kids in Be a Star are Black: So not only are there no Black WWE Champions but there is a ton of Black Kids being bullied. Right I suppose I better move on before you start imagining me dressing up like a ghost with a witch's hat.

Zack Ryder is backstage filming an episode of his now irrelevant internet show but gets interrupted by Damien Sandow who gives him a dirty look and walks off. Not relevant but fucking hilarious. I see these 2 feuding because Ryder is pretty much a representation of what Sandow opposes (And ignore that he has a Twitter please). But since it's a Zak Fellows idea and therefore actually good and interesting WWE won't do it because it would mean giving me money and credit.

Damien Sandow Vs Yoshi Tatsu

As soon as Mr Sandow came out I could tell how this 'match' was going to go down (Oh sorry Mr Sandow not 'go down' but take place). He calls Yoshi a 'unworthy opponent' (You could only get more truth from a fucking lie detector) and prepares to leave but Yoshi, in an attempt to stand out from the crowd for once, gets the mike and calls Sandow a chicken and makes what a retard would pass as chicken noises (How dare he compare this enlightened and well educated individual to poultry?). Sandow would attack Tatsu in his pink undies and hit a neckbreaker as if to say 'This is my finishing move you ignoramus's'. I liked it because it showed that Sandow is not just your typical 'Heel that talks a big game but when confronted he gets his ass kicked/has to cheat' but rather he talks a big game because he delivers a big game. This is excellent characterisation so despite 1 mistake already being made tonight WWE managed to make a positive step which is way up there with Justin Biebers voice breaking and him immediately losing all his fans, money and fame in terms of happiness.

Winner: No Contest...but Damien Sandow By Awesomeness

Matt Striker interviews both Randy Orton and World Champion Sheamus as they both compare each other with Orton responding to Sheamus's claim that he is a nice guy by saying that they finish last.

Zack Ryder Vs Daniel Bryan

Show's how much Ryder has progressed over the last year because of his web show when you know he will be in the pre show on sunday against Kane doesn't it? Congratulations Ryder you are still on the pre show but on the otherhand your now a well known and publicised jobber Woo Woo Woo You Know It etc. I'm not saying that Ryder should be a curtain jerker-Far from it because WWE managed to find somebody who is a notch above everybody as far as publicity and what with their close jerk off...I mean relationship with Twitter you would think that WWE would meet the site half way but Twitter clearly went straight to WWE. For a guy that was considered a Twitter sensation last year Ryder should be in the mid card title picture but I guess WWE is trying to make up for their mistake of even remotely caring about Zack. Daniel Bryan's little Yes mania has definately lost steam through no fault but WWE's because as far as I can tell the little IWC wank scrap between Punk and Bryan at Over the Limit has been barely built up at least not on Smackdown maybe if I watch Raw I would be able to get a picture but the thing is...I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO! Actually on WWE.com they have been referring to Punk/Bryan matches in the independent wrestling circuit which means the match for IWC wankers is being sorely promoted on the internet where you can feel free to jerk off to the possibility of a ROH invasion which would suck as much Wayne Roonie's hookers. Bryan manages to lock in the Yes Lock and Ryder taps out. Now let's get this CM Punk Vs Daniel Bryan match out of the way so you IWC wankers can wank yourself to death and wrestling wouldn't have so many pricks prodding it looking for problems and saying how John Cena sucks in the tone of voice like you actually know what the fucking your talking about: You don't even know what real wrestling is you moron.

Winner: Daniel Bryan By Submission

WWE Champion CM Punk Vs Kane

Daniel Bryan stays at ringside after his match on commentary so I look forward to the asshole announcer being the whore that he is and sucking Bryan's vegan carrot underneath the desk. I mentioned that Ryder hasn't gone very far from his Pre Show roots but if anything Kane has been demoted the most since getting his overrated mask back mainly because absolutely nobody wants to boo Kane as a Heel: He's too popular to be hated nowadays because of the respect pops he gets which he does deserve (Yes I did say that to cause collective heart attacks. But you would be going to hell for saying that Kane should be in the main event because you are lying. With the main event scene being what it is at the moment Kane doesn't have a place in it and should be doing what he was doing before he got his mask about in a lazy attempt to both reinvent himself and give you wankers what you want (And your never NOT wanting something) which was face the newer guys and make them better. I know what you probably going to say 'Zak you baked crisp man how can you say? Couldn't Kane just challenge CM Punk for the WWE Title after Daniel Bryan loses at Over the Limit?' Well you argumental fuck that may be the case but I like alot of people who are handsome, intelligent and woman magnets want to see Punk facing newer opponents rather then just picking some random old irrelevant wrestler to be the opponent of the month. Punk has been great as champion despite him representing alot of what is wrong with wrestling today and he should keep the title for a couple more months until about SummerSlam or Money in the Bank since his current title reign has been really 'legit' in every meaning of the word. I know I am feeling quite ashamed of what I just said but there are 2 types of people I give credit to: Those that I genuinely like and therefore have to give credit to in order to not ruin my chances of having sex with them or being invited to their birthday party AND those that I may hate but I respect and Punk is in the latter...just. After a suicide dive from Punk Bryan gets a steel chair and hits Kane purposefully disqualifying Punk. Bryan then throws the chair to Punk making Kane believe that Punk attacked him. Shows that Bryan is a smart cunning heel like another Heel World Champion over at that company we don't like to mention. Yes Bryan definately made an 'impact'.

Winner: Kane By Disqualification

United States Champion Santino Marella Vs Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes

Apparently both of these 2 were involved in a 'twitter war' over the past week which is resulting in this match instead of...oh I don't know a PPV match? It's pretty sad if we live in a wrestling world where the only way to get good feuds and pushes is if people go on twitter and just say a couple of dodgy lines and argue with old celebrities. Don't believe the lies that Josh Matthews is saying this is not a rare champion vs champion match because the last one to happen according to memory was 2 months ago. Champions vs Champions matches with no belt on the line almost guarantee that one championship's credibility will be completely killed and would you be surprised to hear that it was again the case tonight? What your not surprised? Well fuck you then Mr Spoiler Results Reading worm. Santino would hit a surprise cobra on a running Rhodes for the win. I know what many of you are thinking 'Boobie Boobie Vagina Ass' and second of all that this should lead to a unification match between the 2 in the future. I would like to politely all those that think the second thought to fuck off and I'm not going to say why because you clever internet using porn reading nerds should be able to figure out why a Title Unification match between the United States Championship and The Intercontinental Championship is a bad idea.

Winner: United States Champion Santino Marella By Pinfall

Replay of the Big Show's tearful 7 day vacation application process being successful.

World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus Vs Randy Orton

Last week if you remember I said that WWE made smart choices as far as matching up the 2 seperate single's matches between the 4 contestants in the Fatal 4 Way match on sunday. By pairing Jericho with Sheamus then it leaves the possibility for single's PPV matches with Del Rio and Orton open for the future since we all know Jericho wouldn't be around for long and therefore could afford to get an ass kicking from Sheamus. Unfortunately that day there was a pizza truck with a huge satellite dish on top of it who I can only assume heard my compliment and WWE decided to make up for their 'mistake' by putting Sheamus Vs Orton one on one now on free TV. I know it may seem like a minor complaint so let me forcefully feed you the paint of wisdom: Yes Sheamus and Orton have faced each other for world titles before on PPV but not in the context of this period when Sheamus is a babyface champion. By giving Sheamus a Fatal 4 Way title defence on sunday WWE willingly employed their 'free ideas' card which means they have to do less work in building towards PPV Title matches. Which means that one on one PPV matches with the 3 challengers are practically a given. You don't have a challenger face the champion in a non title match on free tv months before they face each other for the title on PPV...unless your 100% of the wrestling companies in today's world. While alot of things have suffered due to the return of Brock Lesnar and Mr Laurinaitis's running of the show Sheamus's World Title reign feels more like secondary thoughts then anything else which means Sheamus needs to step up...and I mean really step up. If he's got a special gift of his hair catching fire (which you would never realize might I add) then I suggest he start using it now...and get Natalya to help out the cause. Sheamus manages to counter an RKO attempt into a roll up for the win in a honestly really good match. Ok they showed that Sheamus won only slightly so I guess their future 1 on 1 match hasn't been squandered. Orton RKO'd Sheamus after the match because only Orton can get the last word I guess.

Winner: World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus By Pinfall

This was a mixed show for me. There wasn't really anything that caught my attention and kept my attention despite the Sheamus/Orton main event match being good. I guess if we judge this differently from a 'last show' before the PPV perspective...actually its still in the middle because where the fuck was Del Rio and Jericho? It's like WWE forgot about them. Also where was the Ryback 3000? Aside from a promo video that I failed to mention he was nowhere to be seen. I guess I'll fill in the gaps for those 3 in no particular order: Oil Change, Tortilla making contest and packing his bags for his inevitable fuck off.

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[Zak Fellows does not fuck off but rather fuck on you know who with you know who]

Maybe The Ryback 3000 was getting an oil change to get rid of evidence of illegial oil

The Achievement Whore: My Review on Prototype 2

Yes believe it or not I do more then just rip on Professional Wrestling every single Week and every single PPV. Not there has been anything else worth talking about because game releases so far this year have been pretty shit. That's what happens when game developers push to release their big games in the same period of time in the christmas rush which was exactly the case last year with a period containing Arkham City and some other games trying to beat that one for a spot on my keepie shelf.

But now we have Prototype 2 a game that is definately one of the most heavily promoted games in recent history. The hype of it was the inevitable virus fight between previous Prototype anti hero Alex Mercer, who cannot be called a hero under any circumstances, and new Protagonist James Heller who the developers had to work hard at to make the lesser of 2 evils because seriously anybody who slices people in half and eat's them definately ain't going to be invited to Children's birthday party's...unless they came as a clown maybe. What I was disappointed by is that the developers of Prototype 2 didn't go the route of Freddy Vs Jason and hold a mock press conference between Mercer and Heller but then again Prototype 2 does take itself too seriously.

This should be a different kind of review compared to my other 2 because unlike Arkham City and Team Fortress 2 Prototype 2 has just recently come out and I don't intend to keep it. I know that you may interpret that as an excuse to leave but STAY! before I inject you with poisoned blood.

Prototype 2 takes place about 18 months after the original game and New York City suffers from a second and worse outbreak of what they call 'The Mercer Virus' (Not as you may assume Brooklyn AIDS) which becomes so bad that the section of New York gets quarantined from the rest of the city and dubbed New York Zero. Our 'hero' is James Heller who's wife and daughter were killed in the outbreak and as he pursues revenge on Alex Mercer he gets infected with the virus himself turning into a being like Mercer himself gaining power's. Heller now must use his incredible abilities of flight, body manipulation and murdering prowess to end the outbreak, stop the plotting of evil military Blackwatch and Mercer himself.

Unlike the original Prototype I actually knew what the fuck was going on in this game because they made effort to keep itself simple and unlike Alex Mercer James Heller was actually likeable and believable as a heroic character despite being fairly uninteresting and acts as a device to connect the significant story moments. This plot has the makings of a good revenge story with revenge being like this...REVENGE!!! That said the story was fairly anti climatic but don't worry I won't ruin it for those who actually didn't go on Wikipedia or Youtube to see it (You know the guys that could actually afford the game you poverty stricken bastard) so I'll just give the plot a thumbs up for not being a confusing mess.

Prototype 2 is a sandbox game with Heller having superpowers not the only one to exist mind you. Heller's powers mainly consist of turning his arms into their own weapons such as Claws, Tendrils, Blades, Rocks and Whips which when used will turn into a cathartic anarchist's wet dream. Heller is also able to 'consume' NPC's which allows him to take their appearance which is where the stealth aspects of the game come in: You will often be tasked to enter military bases disguised as a soldier or doctor and cause hell such as destroying experiments or releasing monsters. I really enjoyed the stealth sections of the game if only because the predator sections in the Arkham games has made me somewhat a fan of taking out people from behind while his mates are too busy talking to some other idiot or wondering which baby to eat next. Your superpower's are not the only options as you are also able to use regular guns and hijack tanks and helicopters and despite their being no problems with using those it isn't exactly necessary outside of a couple of trophies, lest you accuse me of being in it for the fun, and a couple of missions. That doesn't mean I didn't like using the vehicles it just means I had a lot more fun and felt more like a god by destroying a tank with my hands and karate kicking a helicopter out of the sky (which is a trophy natch).

The World is big in this game and to compensate for getting around Heller is able to run at almost Olympic steroid induced athlete speeds, jump incredibly high, run up vehicles and shoot blood out of limbs to glide. While the open world is pretty uninteresting getting around it is fucking awesome. Now you may be wondering what side stuff is available in this game so shut up and let me explain that unlike the original Prototype there is a lot of side missions and there is actually a reason to do them. Gameplay is a strong thumbs up for me because of the variety of powers to use and it being pretty much a bloody mess...in a good way I mean.

Prototype 2 is pretty much going for gold in this category which I guess shows my absolute influence on the gaming industry (Ok I don't have influence...over the gaming industry I mean). As you may recall I said this game takes place in a quarantined section of New York dubbed New York Zero which is split into 3 zones based on the level of viral dangers which does make things patronizingly simple for you retards out there only interested blood and titty's (none of the latter I'm afraid so piss off back to Dead or Alive!). The Green Zone is the safest place in the NYZ (Obviously) as far as the Mercer Virus is concerned but it also serves as the HQ for Blackwatch which means that the zone has a heavy military presence. The Yellow Zone is in the middle (Duh looked at any traffic lights recently?) and has half Blackwatch and half Infected and is most slums. And finally The Red Zone, as you could probably deduce using your average brains, is at the center of the virus, is covered with infected and is the home of Alex Mercer himself.

As far as each zone is concerned it should evoke feelings of being watched, indifference and living hell respectively and while Green and Yellow have that down The Red Zone should be an absolute bitch to get around in and isn't since Blackwatch is pretty much regulated to their own bases in that zone. However the Red Zone is living hell in the very opening of the game when you play as Heller, uninfected with only a knife, surrounded by monsters and facing Mercer when you know you do not stand a chance which really only serves to show how much of a Bad ass Heller is (or was would be the more appropriate word). Prototype 2 gets a thumbs up for atmosphere because let's face it New York sucks and they deserve a viral outbreak (Notice that I don't mention a certain other disaster)

Prototype 2 has a function called 'Radnet' where on certain dates new challenges and side missions will become available which is something created with Replay Value in mind as completing a certain amount of these challenges will give you unlockable's such as the ability to get an Alex Mercer skin just in case you like the psychopath more then the heroic psychopath. Aside from the Downloadable stuff there are numerous side missions already on the disk which as far as I can tell are split into 4 types: Field Op's where you just kill everybody at the location, Lairs which means you have to destroy everything in the confined space, Black box Collectables which serve as exploration into the psychopath's into Blackwatch and //Blacknet which pretty much involves ending operations conducted by Blackwatch such as murdering everybody or consuming everybody. So as you can probably tell the side missions they all fit with the game of appealing to absolute psychopaths and yet the game hasn't received bull from parents trying to ban the filth (again). Maybe its because they realised that the game probably wouldn't influence their kids to turn their entire right arm into a gigantic sword and slice through everybody at school...well not unless they have one of those novelty mayoral scissors.

That being said despite the seemingly large amount of things to do it ultimately falls flat. I did all the built in side stuff within a week and decided that I didn't want to wait for the Radnet stuff so a Thumbs Down for the game failing to keep me in much like those censors and mother's who try to contain me to prevent me from corrupting their children. No Vagina is big enough!

Wow an instance of getting across both my hatred and my love of 2 seperate people. But seriously if you could do both of those things then why wouldn't you? Despite the plot not being a huge mess like the first one it definately missed some things. The pacing of the game was off: It felt rushed especially in the finale. I am not spoiling this instance because I bet you Wikipedia educated nerds could hazard a guess on to what the final mission was. It was the very thing that this entire game was built upon and we have been waiting for since it was first announced. I am of course talking about the viral recreation of 9/11...NO! it was the fight between Heller and Mercer. The fight was fun let me make that clear but it really did have a feel off 'that was it'? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that the game could have built to a better ending so there you go I need to end this section ASAP because I am drooling and getting a 'strange but nice' feeling of looking at the lady on the right's luscious back door.

Or as we might as well call it Cathartic! Prototype 2 by its very nature is intended to be the king of fucking around. For example Consume a lady NPC and then grab a man, get to the top of a building, hold him over the edge, insert your own lines and then throw him off the building 'I said no cuddling!'. In addition there is a stealth only power that I failed to mention before (Well I'm mentioning it now alright!): The Bio Bomb which when used causes the victim to explode and send tendril's out killing everybody 'Maybe it was the chilli you ate for lunch!'. Seriously though the powers themselves are pretty much meant appeal to your inner murderer. So I'll give Fun! a thumbs up but I'll quickly put it down before you murderers cut it off...and the female murderers cut that other thing off.

I guess its time for the direct professional consumer advice on whether or not Prototype 2 is worth buying. Well Yes it is...not full price though so if you want to buy a good copy I suggest you wait a bit for the price to go down (Or don't like I care how much money you have). The Game is fun but it was disappointing for me, a guy who bought into all the advertising. Guess that will teach me to get excited about something won't it? It is good for a bit of fun and that is about it: If you want good story telling go elsewhere, if you want tits go to a strip joint and if you want me to quit being a prick then go to hell you prick.

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[Zak Fellows is a prick but he gets results]

God what is with Mercer and Heller's clothes?